November Writin' #5--Vigilante Hamilton

So, i've decided that instead of strictly writing scary stuff, i'm gonna try other things throughout the month as well, so here's something that I guess would be considered comedy. It gets weird, I didn't really put much time in making it make sense. It's pretty nonsensical but I think some aspects of it are pretty good;


Hamilton swiftly walked down the alleyway, the jewel thief was close. Dakota Hamilton was a top rate gumshoe, and he had been hired to catch the elusive jewel thief known as "El Condor", no particular reason for this, it just kind of stuck. The year was 2345, and the place was "Newhattan" the floating city located right above New York City. Hamilton had set up his detective agency after a failed attempt at professional cat grooming. With the help of his long time friend and infrequent intimate partner, Indigo O'Leary, he was able to take on several cases and make a name for himself.

The detective peered around a corner, he could see a shadowy figure, this had to be "El Condor." Hamilton adjusted his hat for optimum intimidation, and slowly rounded the corner, "Ok, Mr.Condor, that's as far as you're going to go." The figure turned, Hamilton could see him better, he was an older, man, his gray hair was long and almost magnificent in a way, Hamilton would later write in his journal that he wanted to grow hair like that when he got older. The man looked at Hamilton, then in a gruff smokey voice he said, "So detective you've got me cornered, now what?" Dakota had not actually thought that far ahead, he drew his laser pistol and kept it pointed at the man's head.

"First things first, put down the bucket of the those precious gold encrusted, platinum diamond gems!" Dakota motioned with the pistol for the man to place the bucket in front of him, the man begrudgingly complied. Hamilton walked closer to the man, "I read your dossier, you don't do things for profit, who wanted these?" El Condor smirked, "My boy, I believe in the next few weeks, all your questions will be answered." Hamilton grabbed the man by his Hawaiian shirt collar, he stared him in the eye. That's when the red and blue of the police cruisers brought Dakota back to reality. He heard a familiar, Boston tinged voice, "Hey Dakota, thought you'd like the help." Hamilton walked up to Indigo O'Leary, the police already hauling the thief away in a prison capsule.

Later that evening Dakota found himself sitting in Pub #1566, one of the many conveniently automated drinking establishments found in Newhattan. Sitting across from him was Indigo, she was entering her order into Bartender #2890 main function's list. He enjoyed their nights together after big cases, they usually ended in sex. After the Bartender hovered to the bar Dakota put his hand on Indigo's. She smiled softly, but than pulled her hand from his, "Dakota...We need to talk." He felt his heart sink, there were a million different ways this could end, most seeming bad.

Indigo put her hands on her chin, still smiling, and never breaking eye contact, Dakota saw this as a sign, so he mimicked her. "I need to move on, you're just not that good at...this..." Dakota was confused, "What are you talking about honey." Indigo glared at Dakota, he felt his soul leave his body for a split second. "Don't ever call me honey again, ok?" He could definitely tell this was going to end badly now. "You're not good at being a detective, I end up doing all the work." Dakota frowned, "I don't think that's very fair to say, I caught that Condor fellow." Indigo shook her head, "No, you stalled him, while I did real work and got the police." Bartender #2890 came back handing Indigo her rum and coke, and handing Dakota his fuzzy navel, he drank it very quickly.

The two sat in silence for minutes, Indigo broke it after taking several drinks, "So, i'm gonna go start my own agency, and actually do a compotent job for once." Dakota, somewhat a lightweight, was already slurring his speech, "Thish ish shtupid Indigo, we're friends." Indigo put her hand on his, "Well...," then she got up, "guess things are changing." She patted Dakota on the back, yelling, "Thanks for paying for my drink!" Dakota sat at the both feeling sad and alone, he had just lost his best friend and infrequent sex partner. He thought about all the good times they had had together. Sure she didn't talk to him in highschool, or really in college, or even during sex, but he felt that they had formed a strong bond.

Dakota stepped outside, the cold sting of the air felt as if even mother natured was mocking him. As he walked down the street he heard a noise, "Help me!" It was a woman. Running down the sidewalk Dakota came upon an alley, at the other end a woman being attacked by two burly hooligans. Dakota walked up shouting, "Hey, you burly hooligans, unhand that voluptuous beauty." In hindsight calling the woman a "voluptuous beauty" would be seen as a mistake. The two men turned, one was simian like, his greasy black hair down up in a pompodour, the other in a three piece suit, with shiny black shoes, definitely a member of the "Dapper Gentlemen's Gang." The girl appeared to be in her early twenties, her black hair soaking, clung to her friegthened face.

"Oh yeah," said the dapper gent as he pulled out their trademark billy club, "What if we don't." The ape man watched silently, Dakota imagined that he couldn't be thinking of much. "Well than this!" Dakota said as he pulled out his laser pistol, this provoked the ape man, he charged at Dakota, his mouth frothing. The detective was quick, shooting him in his right knee, he collapsed sobbing like a large baby. The dapper gentleman stepped back, "You son of a bitch, you know who we are?!" The man swung his billy club in a large helicopter motion, yelling wildly. Before he could even move Dakota shot him in the foot, he fell crying uncontrollably.

Dakota sauntered up to young woman, grabbing her by the hips. "Little lady, I reckon you owe me a kiss." She was shivering, Dakota assumed this was due to sheer sexual intimidation so he moved in to kiss her, but she did not accept his flailing tongue and instead sprayed him with mace. Dakota screamed cowering in a corner, "Geez lady, I was just trying to help you!" The young woman walked up putting her hand on his shoulder, "I'm grateful, but you were very off putting...I'm sorry." He looked at her through his extremely blood shot eyes, he managed to almost smile. "You should do that for a living" the girl said. "What, I don't like mace," Dakota said. "No, help people, you know like a vigilante," the girl said

Dakota explained his job to the young woman, she smiled. "What if you did something slightly different," She was practically beaming. "What are you talking about, I'm  already a detective, I do good now," Dakota groaned, his eyes felt like they were sizzling. "You could be a superhero," She grabbed him by the shoulders shaking him, "and I could help you!" He was excited, but had to pee, so he accompanied the girl to her apartment, which was actually quite close. She was kind enough to let him use the restroom, as he peed he yelled, "So I don't even know your name." She replied, "Melody Nightingale." Dakota smiled, "That's a nice name, I hope we make a good team." He flushed the toilet, his mind at ease, he was excited to start a new chapter in his life.