Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner...But They Should; The Children Review

Ugh...So a bunch of kids get "Children of the Corn" flu and go all stabby stabby on their parental units. This little piece of British horror has a lot of promise, with a dark premise, it could be good, but with shoddy acting, and poor delivery it kinda falls flat.

The film follows two families as they spend the Holidays together in a remote house/cabin/ thing. Unfortunately one of the kids gets sick...? Yea so he says "I don't feel good", throws up and that's the start of the plot. One by one the kids start acting bad, and turn on the parents, first with simple smacks and ill temper...to full blown murder.

I don't mind the notion of an illness that makes people violent, but there isn't any logic to it. The children don't just simply become aggressive, they turn into evil masterminds, setting traps and tricking the adults to trust them, and the kids work together...??? If multiple animals get rabies they don't team up, the kid's obviously have some kind of brain damage, but at this point the illness isn't even neurological, it's just random. As stupid as "The Happening" at least it seemed grounded in some kind of branch of reality. Why would an illness only make kids violent...but only against adults, and it might not only affect kids... See this whole thing is just crazy BS...

So that just bugged me, but wait there's more! The acting is pretty bad. I know you can't expect much from kids, they did an alright job, at times they were downright "Village of the Damned" levels of creepy. The adults couldn't hold a candle Rafiella Brooks, the best of the kids (best of the whole cast to probably) in the film, she did a great job going from cute kid to the spawn of Satan.

I can't keep going, there's some much bad in this movie.It's unfortunate to, cause the atmosphere is decent throughout and the setting has that "If you died out here no one would know" kind of vibe, so they had some of the right pieces. I was really excited after "Splinter", i thought I'd get to see another great obscure horror film, but i got this B-grade, British bomb...blurg, 2.5 outta 5

Sharp Monster Movie; Splinter Review

When watching a movie you know nothing about it's always a good idea to keep an open mind until the credits roll at the end. This is best exemplified in the case of "Splinter" a horror movie i went from hating to thoroughly enjoying when it was all over.

The film finds Seth and Polly, a couple celebrating their one year anniversary, kidnapped and taken hostage by Dennis and Lacey, two convicts on the run. They stop by a gas station that appears to be abandoned. They soon find that there is a not so friendly creature looking to make them a meal.

I don't want to get into too much about the monster because there actually are some unexpected twists revealed throughout the film. There seem to be elements taken from John Carpenter's "The Thing" regarding the monster, but like i said they do a good job crafting a creature, and i wouldn't want to give anything away.

The movie is well paced, there weren't any parts where i wished i could skip ahead. The tension is constant, the creature is a pretty malevolent force throughout. Unlike some horror movies where it's vague about what becomes of the victims, it is made painfully clear what befalls the monster's prey. The movie rarely relies on CGI which i always appreciate in a horror movie, and there is even a scene i think is more intense than most scenes in the "Saw" movies.

Of course, this is not a top tier film, and it does have it's flaws. The acting is decent, the only actor i didn't like was the girl convict, she was just annoying. Once and awhile there will be a plot point where you go "really?" but there are a lot of horror movies out there like that.

The first part of the film is tough to get through, at first none of the characters are that likeable, but that changes pretty quickly. Just wait until the creature shows up then it gets pretty good.

I really liked this movie, it was something unexpected. A dark creature feature type movie I haven't seen in awhile. It's a rent at the least, if you do like movies like "The Thing", "The Fly", or maybe even "Tremors" this could be a film for you. 4 outta 5!

No Batteries Required; Toy Story 3 Review?

(There's a reason i put the "?" in the title...So when i

started writing this it was gonna just be a simple review...

it quickly turned into something else, if you want to know

the rate i give it, 5 outta 5, there's other stuff i address in

this piece so i thought the whole rating thing didn't matter

It became a retrospect of sorts, ,enjoy!)

On November 22nd 1995 Pixar, a studio that wasn't quite the powerhouse it now is, released a movie, with the help of Disney...That movie was "Toy Story."

Fast forward 15 years and Disney owns Pixar, which has become the peak of animation quality, and "Toy Story" is considered one of the most beloved/important animated movies of all time...things have changed and time has passed. This is the idea behind "Toy Story 3" a film that acknowledges that time keeps moving whether we want it to or not.

Andy is all grown up and he's going off to college, but as a new chapter starts it appears as if the toys are going to be left behind. Fearing that they are no longer wanted most of the toys left want to leave, choosing to be donated to a daycare, but Woody can't bear to lose Andy. I'm not going to get much more into the plot, I'll just say the story revolves around the toys adapting to a life that is in the midst of change.

Do i really need to say more, you know it's going to be a great movie. The acting is great, the animation is beautiful, and the story is slightly emotional and moving. I will say that this movie is not quite as sad as "Up", but from the perspective that this is the end of the "Toy Story" franchise it was quite the tugger of heart strings. This film was really meant for people my age, I mean Andy is the same age as me and my friends, we literally grew up with this story.

There is nothing i can say that is negative about the film, it is almost flawless, but i say that through nostalgic eyes, but that's what Pixar is going for. I really think this is the end of an era for Pixar. With sequalization beginning for other franchises ("Cars 2" next year, and "Monsters Inc. 2" in 2012) and a much more rapid production rate (Two Pixar films in 2012!!!) it really is the dawning of a new day.

Just look at it like this, as much as they might enjoy it, "Toy Story 3" will not be special for any child growing up now. Think of how it felt to see these crazy 3-dimensional characters come to life for the first time when you were 4,5,6,etc. To any kid now it's just another animated movie, dozens have come out before it. That was the first of it's kind, now the original "Toy Story" looks like a cutscene from a PS2 video game. This new Pixar has got to pull out all the stops to show kids the same kind of magic we saw.

This would have been the most poetic way for Pixar to end. This would have been a perfect swan song, but it's not. Pixar will keep going, there's a good chance that it will keep going, possibly after alot of us are gone, but as "Toy Story 3" implies, we pass the toys on and hope they make others' childhoods as special as ours was.

Unholy Abomination; Legion Review

Legion takes the idea of Heaven vs. Hell and puts a spin on it...by making it Heaven vs...Humans? So let's cut right to it, Gods pissed at man so he sends his angel squad to kill everyone. Archangel Michael (Paul Bettany) disagrees with this so he goes to earth to protect a pregnant woman who's baby will save mankind...Yeah this movie is stupid...

So throughout the film Bettany and a group of assorted folk hold out in the diner/gas station "Paradise Falls" (funny right?) as God sends some very demonic looking creatures after them. This is where the film loses me. Why would God, the most powerful being in the universe have to use tricks out of Satan's handbook? There is possession, trickery, and some all around nasty stuff utilize by the unseen forces trying to get the refuges and the baby. Can't God just like, Cause a giant natural disaster? Couldn't he simply will them out of existence? It just seems like an omnipotent super creator could wipe out a handful of people easily.

That brings me to the people...Some good some bad. Dennis Quaid (aka the guy i always mistake for Pierce Brosnan) does a decent job as the world weary gas station owner. The son of the gas station owner Jeep (seriously, who'd name a child Jeep? is his middle name Wrangler?) is horrible and the less i heard of him the better. The pregnant lady is the least likable character which is a problem considering she's carrying the main plot point. Michael the Archangel is decent, but the rest of the cast have violent mood swings every 5 minutes. The actors never seem to get their characters pegged down and they're all over the place.

The plot is dumb...that's really all there is to say about that. Unless i missed it, which would be easy because the cast whispers most of the time, they never explain why the baby is so important other than "the baby wasn't supposed to be born." The whole possession thing is a total fluke too, if these heavenly entities can possess up to the hundred or so people that show up at the diner to kill the main cast, why can't they just possess someone inside the diner...someone who's i don't know, right next to the pregnant lady?!

The one good thing i will say about this film is the effects, which are, fairly impressive. From a locust swarm to some impressive angel stuff towards the end all of these things looked impressive. This does not redeem the rest of the movie which is almost 2 hours of shooting, whispering, and nonsensical plot developments. Don't see this, see "Dogma" that's a good Heaven vs. Hell movie...1.5 out of 5

Netflix Review Extravaganza #3--I Downloaded a Ghost!

Soooo haven't done one of these in a long while, but I'm trudging back into the jungle of obscure and/or mediocrity that is the Netflix Instant Que. While it is true that there are some quality movies that can be found, this is going to be entirely devoted to movies that no one has ever heard of. That being said let's start the ball rolling again.

What if i told you that there is a Disney movie starring Ellen Page (Juno) as a young girl who downloads the spirit of Carlos Alazraqui (Deputy Garcia, Reno 911) and together they attempt to solve a museum theft? Whats that? you say that sounds ridiculously stupid...boy o' boy you don't know the half of it!

The film follows Page's character as she tries to help Alazraqui finish his business on earth so he can move on. To do this he needs to find a priceless cat sculpture that was stolen from the local museum and stop the criminals he inadvertently helped. While this sounds like it would be a harmless tv movie, it's not it fails on multiple levels of humour and enjoyment.

Jokes in a kids movie should not be difficult...some of my favorite movies were the Disney tv movies, but if i had ever watched this i would have lost faith in all that is comdey. Watch this...



Pretty hilarious huh? Also random sidenote, this movie came out in 2004 so that means it was most likely shot between 2002-2003...Ellen Page was at least 15, she looks like a 12 year old in this movie. Carlos Alazraqui is briefly funny from time to time, but overall he just ends up being annoying.

I usually give these kind of movies some leeway, i mean afterall they are written for kids right? That is true but there is a difference between writing for kids and having kids do the written. It's just a badly directed, badly scripted, badly acted movie. Disney made alot of these tv movies and this has to be the worst of the bunch. 1 outta 5

Fairytale Ending; Shrek Forever After Review

In 2001 Dreamworks released "Shrek", it was a huge success and made Dreamworks the first real contender against Pixar. Three years later "Shrek 2" came out, people still liked it and the Shrek story seemed like it could wrap up at that point...then "Shrek 3" came out...Just pretend "Shrek 3" didn't happen. Shrek 4 does what 3 should have done, wrapped up the story. The plot of 4 is that Shrek is now bored with family life, so he makes a deal with Rumpelstiltskin to go back before he met Fiona so he can be a "real" ogre, but through contractual trickery Shrek finds himself fighting to get back his family and friends, Basically "It's a Wonderful Life" with fairy tale characters. This plot also is a good excuse to re introduce characters, but it's so fast paced no one gets much screen time. The animation looks top notch as always, and the voice acting is good, if not a little a little phoned in at times. There are some new characters introduced, the other ogres are alright, but Rumpelstiltskin is probably the best new character, especially considering he isn't even a professional actor, just a writer/animator. I saw this in 3D Imax and while it is really cool to see everything in giant three dimensional craziness, it's not necessary, seeing it in a normal theater probably would be alright. What it comes down to is that if you liked Shrek, this is a very good send off to the franchise, even to the point where the big song at the end is "Im a Believer" again and the credits are made up of images from all the movies. It does such a good job ending the series that it's only fitting that 4 gets a 4 outta 5